Update on plans to rule the world

Greetings to Fiends, Friends, Fans and Felines,

As you may guess, I spend my time pursuing the ultimate prize. Yet, unlike Caesar, Kay Khusrow and Napolean, my plans to conquer the world grow increasingly fruitless. I write to you in an attempt to pass on my legacy to an ideal candidate to continue my quest. To date, I have sought magical items, hidden knowledge and mystical lore in a hazy attempt to find a path. The result is nothing constructive but rather a hodge-podge collection of random forgotten facts.

I don’t see anything wrong with using this information for my own personal betterment. I think most people live by a similar maxim. Everyone uses whatever knowledge they posses for their own purposes. Why shouldn’t I? Here my top ten list of hidden knowledge. Don’t tell the men in black or the soul hunters in grey.

1. The Ark of the Covenant is kept hidden inside the Ethiopian Orthodox Church. Mr. Graham Hancock and the Israeli government are keen on this knowledge. For those who don’t know, the Ark of the Covenant is a portable temple used by the ancient Israelites as a weapon of war. In the right hands, its secrets may prove extremely beneficial.

2. The Temple of Doom is in a remote island somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. You have to use the proper mantras to open the gates. Once inside, start singing Mariah Carey songs in order to ward off the good demons guarding the gates and summon the evil ones. As you enter the main chamber remember to spray pepper and onion powders on the floor to trace your footsteps. When you see the main statue, prostrate immediately. If he starts spouting fire, you can keep low and start sneezing your way back to the entrance.

3. Atlantis is buried somewhere in Bermuda Triangle. The best way to find it is with a little plane. Look for Amelia Earhart on the way. There is a large crystal buried down there. The Atlantans used it conquer the world. If this crystal were to be found, the millions of souls trapped inside could be released. This would serve as the basis for for new occult religion with CIA disinformation, hypnosis and money laundering. Call it the Cult of Esoteric Nonsense.

4. The Egyptian Great Pyramid was built using some sort of perpetual motion machine. Edward Leedskalnin rediscoeverd this technology on his own in the 1920s. Pieces of the actual machine used by ancient aliens were found in Egypt. My only challenge is finding someone with an above high school understanding of science to rebuild this technology. Pity, I did not take more interest in this subject earlier in life.

5. Now when one has the means to use this technology, a certain goal should be to use this technology. I recommend using it to control the Jews. As I have found out, the demiurge of this world has a special bond with this group of people. If this bond breaks or the people are sufficiently swayed, their magical powers can be used for your benefit. Think of it this way. If you were playing a computer game, getting this card will give you one-hundred thousand points. Get one million points and you are ready to usurp the demiurge himself. At this point, if you are the classy type, you would build five pyramids and create scavenger hunt for the next usurper to take your place. But that is up to you.

6. What goes up, must come down. Repeat I AM the BIG Cheese before you go to sleep at night. The occultists say this mantra will magically enable a journey to the big cheese in the sky.

7. Advanced civilizations live underneath the earth. Contrary to popular belief the earth is hollow. I haven’t done the math but if it were not hollow, the mass would cause the planet to implode and turn into a pumpernickel bagel. But don’t take my word for it, take the word of the guys who have actually been one mile below zero. Gene Simmions and Jack Keroiac. If you are near Mt. Sashta, tell Adama I said hi too.


8. The Mormons are the mainstream religion I know of that acknowledges ancient alien theory. Their cosmology closely matches what the gnostics, new agers and masons have been quietly theorizing. They even have their own alien languages and tabernacle. Gee Mormoni, could you at least give some leeway on your smoking policy?

9. Masonic men not only wear colorful clothes, have their eye on the dollar or meet in secret but they also claim direct lineage from an Egyptian high priests. Last time we saw them, they got in a bad tangle with Moses and his slaves. Dude, definitely use faster chariots next time. Yeah, they are still out there. We see their handy-work at the Olympics. Makes you wonder about being on the right side of history.

10. So, we got the pyramids, the Pharaohs, the priests, their slaves and little guy called Mormoni. The next question is obvious, why me? Now we move from 3D to 4D, even some HDTV. This is crucial step the average ancient alien theorists just can’t take. The aliens are in your mind. As the mind is more powerful than matter. Just think what does matter? Me, it or them? Then think it must be in my memory. Like a stream passing by a tree. Row, Row your boat, gently down.
Merrily, Merrily, Merrily. Life is but a dream.”

…to be continued…Remember, time is running out. There can be only one.

-T. Dum

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